In recent weeks, I noticed the phrase “compare and despair” has been popping up more regularly – in casual and work-related conversations, in podcasts, and even on TV.

It’s everywhere and the truth of the matter is, hearing these words has created a small sense of relief in the back of my mind, while also further validating the negative impact of media, both traditional and social, and the world around us that keeps us striving for better and more.

If you have not yet encountered this phrase, be prepared to relate as I create a fictional scenario, that is all too real.

Imagine this.

It is 8:30pm and you finally stop for the day. 

You get into your comfy clothes, flop onto the couch with your cell phone and decide to catch up with your online world. 

You open up Facebook and begin to scroll.  Funny meme – like.  Lexi had to say goodbye to her dog today, tough day for her – sad emoji.  Mark has the best sense of humor – like, like, laugh emoji, “where does he get this stuff?!?”

This harmless activity carries on for a while until your mood changes slowly and the little voice in your head begins to speak softly.   

Mike just got his dream car; great pictures – like, “must be nice”. Steve and Kara are getting married – like, “when will I meet Mr. Right?”  Cassie is laying on a tropical beach somewhere drinking fancy drinks – ignore, “my life is soo boring”.

Now depressed, you switch to TikTok briefly for entertainment and distraction purposes as the hamster wheel in your mind spins in agony about all the things that you don’t have, can’t afford, wish you had, or don’t like about yourself.

This is compare and despair.  Comparing yourself to others followed by a feeling in despair.

Why the need to compare ourselves?  Because we live in a materialistic society overrun with messaging to “be your best you”, “have the best” and “be happier” thereby sending the message that you are not good enough, do not have the best, and are not happy enough.

This then creates added stress as finances are impacted by having the biggest house with the best finishings (based on what HGTV says), the nicest car, the perfect spouse, the best-behaved children with the highest marks in the most sports.  Ahhhh…yes, happiness.  Until bank accounts are depleted, the next best car is released, your spouse doesn’t fit the perfect image and the children are miserable with every sport you put them in. 

Is it any wonder that stress levels are higher than ever?  Compare and despair never allows you to be satisfied, because there is always something more or better to be had. 

It can feel like a defeating ride and one that many people are jumping off.

Perhaps it is fatigue from always striving for more.  Or maybe it is the result of a pandemic that has caused so many to reassess what is truly important in life. Bottom line, compare and despair is being recognized as something real. 

The good news with this is that just like every other feeling, you still have an element of control. So if you find yourself falling into this dark mental state, consider the following:

1. Spend less time on social media or disconnect all together.  Instead, choose to read a novel that helps you to escape or a book that adds value to your life when you are relaxing.
2. Take inventory of all of the positives in your life regularly and express gratitude for it all.
3. Take 100% responsibility for your life and own it. Do not judge yourself based on how others live their life.
4. Set goals and know when enough is enough. When you achieve a milestone or goal, celebrate it rather than diminish it looking for the next best thing.
5. Recognize when you are in the compare and despair mindset and shift gears.  Find a distraction.  Revisit item number 2 and then find something to do that is good for your soul.
6. Recognize when you are creating stories in your mind rather than basing your perspective on images or false information.
7. Get help.  If you find yourself in a deep state of despair and can’t pull yourself out, contact a professional who can provide you with tools.

Perhaps there is some comfort in knowing that compare and despair is a real thing however it does not negate the fact that this is a problem in our society. And, unfortunately it is not just adults feeling this so it is important that we educate our children, help them to recognize this in themselves, and provide them with the tools to overcome it.

I challenge you to open this up as a topic of conversation with your family and friends – you might be surprised what you learn about them. You may even find some added support to keep you from falling into a funk.